Tell the truth - you just hate minivans

"tetsu_no_usagi" (tetsunousagi)
09/30/2013 at 15:20 • Filed to: None

I've been having this conversation with a lot of coworkers and acquaintances lately, and it goes something like this - "I need a bigger vehicle to get my passle of kids and relatives around town" (here's me) "Oh, you want a minivan - they're big, comfy, and for their size, very fuel efficient" "Oh no, I can't do that, a minivan won't blah blah blah". Blah blah blah, of course, is whatever excuse they've come up with in their head, usually something about not being able to get down some road or other, as this excuses them from buying a minivan and going directly to an SUV/CUV of some flavor. I live in mid-Missouri, where there are plenty of gravel roads to get down, but when you're hearing this from folks who already live down said gravel country roads and currently drive Kia Optimas, their reasons suddenly sound suspect.

Now, understand me, I'm for minivans, I even took my driver's test in the parents' '89 Plymouth Grand Voyager (put 18' of van into a 25' parallel parking spot so perfectly it stunned the MO HyPO giving the test into silence for a few seconds), and I totally agree with Matt Brown's recent !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! . To be honest, it's not that they won't drive a minivan, it's the lying to themselves that I object to most. Especially when you hear what they desire instead of a minivan - Ford Edge, Chevy Equinox, and other small SUV/CUVs that are nigh minivans. Let's face it folks, many of today's CUVs are just minivans without sliding doors. Seriously, what's the difference between this:

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And this:

Except for the fact that you get third row seating in the Odyssey and 2 more combined MPG in the Odyssey over the FWD Equinox (3 over the AWD Equinox), and the Equinox offers an AWD package (which I think I'd much rather have a Subaru Outback than an Equinox for any kind of off road excursions, as they look to be way too heavy for too little actual ground clearance), they're practically the same vehicles. And have you seen the tires on these CUVs? Yeah, road tires, not off road rubber by any stretch of the imagination.

Personally, I admit when I don't like something. I wouldn't buy a Lexus or an Infiniti, not because they're bad cars, it's just I don't want to be viewed as an asshole by my fellow drivers. Don't get me wrong, I am an asshole, I'm just not that asshole. I don't want to drive an SUV (as soon as I can sell off our '00 Envoy, that is) 'cause I don't need one and don't want to pay the gas bills anymore. I won't take a motorcycle to the track, not because I don't think it would do poorly, I just know I'd turn myself into road pizza trying to go fast on one. So please folks, quit lying to me and everyone else, and most especially yourselves - if you just would never, ever drive a minivan, but you're driving (or wanting to drive) a small SUV/CUV, you're just showing how big of a hypocrite you are. Just say it loud and proud - I HATE MINIVANS!! - and be done with it. Don't try to fool anybody (you're not!) into thinking what you drive is just a minivan without the sliding doors.

DISCUSSION (34)

CalzoneGolem > tetsu_no_usagi
09/30/2013 at 15:26

Minivans currently inhabit a niche wagons once did. In a few years "Jalops" will be pining for the manual diesel minivans instead of the current desirable manual diesel wagons.

Remember ... I called it.

Redd, the RX-7 that could > tetsu_no_usagi
09/30/2013 at 15:28

I personally am looking forward to the day when my wife and I get to spec out an Odyssey or Sienna or Quest, whichever looks the most aggressive, and applying some tasteful modifications to what will be my swag wagon.

TheOnelectronic > tetsu_no_usagi
09/30/2013 at 15:34

Minivans have been strongly ingrained as uncool. "SUV"s have not, yet.

dinobot666 > tetsu_no_usagi
09/30/2013 at 15:37

People only hate minivans because they hate the fact that they've become domesticated suburbanites.

Tyler's SVT Focus Hates Him > tetsu_no_usagi
09/30/2013 at 15:40

The thing is, as you mentioned, minivans are much more practical, regardless of the hate and derision they get from the "too proud to drive one" people. My family went from a Honda Odyssey to a Honda Pilot (same platform and size btw), and while both have about the same interior floorspace, the Odyssey was easier to move stuff in and out of because it didn't sit so high, had a higher roof, the seats folded completely flat, AND were removable altogether if you so desired. There was even a button to close the sliding doors! That was magical as kids! Of course, our family and friends lauded our decision to switch to an SUV (which we only did because of our boat) like we had broken up with a bad ex. I don't get people like that.

HammerheadFistpunch > tetsu_no_usagi
09/30/2013 at 15:41

My sister, an adamant hater of minivans bought a GMC Acadia when she had more than 1 kid, it was the car of her dreams. She just traded it for a sienna because it was too hard to get kids in and out of the Acadia. Its not like she lost a lot either, the heaviest thing she pulls is a wave runner and the Acadia was FWD.

HammerheadFistpunch > CalzoneGolem
09/30/2013 at 15:43

I remember saying something like this article . I think your are mostly right.

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tetsu_no_usagi > HammerheadFistpunch
09/30/2013 at 16:04

Oh yeah, I love that excuse: "I need to tow things with it." "What are you towing?" "Two jet skis."

And a minivan can't handle two measly little jet skis once or twice a year? The wife and I were looking at an Odyssey (can you tell my minivan flavor of choice?) with a factory tow package on it, the things have the gumption to tow most of the stuff these people are trying to convince themselves they need a ginormous gas/diesel hog to tow.

And sorry about your sister. Mine is convinced she can only drive Buicks. Of course, Buick about 3 years ago stopped making anything in her price range, so I'm waiting for that drama when her current ride croaks.

HammerheadFistpunch > tetsu_no_usagi
09/30/2013 at 16:06

dont feel too bad for her, its a loaded sienna and she loves it. It just goes to show you what you can miss out on when you pigeon hole yourself into a stereotype.

Milky > tetsu_no_usagi
09/30/2013 at 16:12

Truth be told, I just hate minivans. They look like crap

Kinja'd!!!

& are trying too hard to be cool.

bourgeoisie > tetsu_no_usagi
09/30/2013 at 16:14

As someone currently shopping minivans, I agree with nearly everything you've said, except the gas mileage on most minivans is stupid low. The best I've found so far is the Mazda5 at 28mpg on the highway, and that's a mini minivan.

As soon as minivan mileage turns the corner, CUVs will be out of fashion. Until then, it's all just a matter of personal preference.

Leadbull > dinobot666
09/30/2013 at 16:16

It's only a matter of time before people start hating CUVs.

Leadbull > dinobot666
09/30/2013 at 16:16

It's only a matter of time before people start hating CUVs.

Leadbull > TheOnelectronic
09/30/2013 at 16:17

yet

feather-throttle-not-hair > tetsu_no_usagi
09/30/2013 at 16:18

Amen. Preach it.

bourgeoisie > tetsu_no_usagi
09/30/2013 at 16:18

As soon as minivan mileage turns the corner, CUVs will be out of fashion. Until then, it's all just a matter of personal preference.

BaconSandwich is tasty. > bourgeoisie
09/30/2013 at 16:24

I thought the Caravan was supposed to get something like 36 on the highway?

tetsu_no_usagi > Milky
09/30/2013 at 16:42

And I'm fine with that - you think they look ugly (beauty is in the eye of the beholder and all that) and you just don't like them. You're not trying to lie to me with some BS excuse as to why you need something else.

tetsu_no_usagi > Milky
09/30/2013 at 16:42

tetsu_no_usagi > Redd, the RX-7 that could
09/30/2013 at 16:43

Rally version , that's the way to go.

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tetsu_no_usagi > feather-throttle-not-hair
09/30/2013 at 16:43

Brothers and sisters of oppolock!

Milky > tetsu_no_usagi
09/30/2013 at 16:49

Another truth be told, I completely think this new fad of CUV's is just the new minivan. People movers just keep changing form, thats all it is.

Soooo, I agree, but don't?

tetsu_no_usagi > Leadbull
09/30/2013 at 16:49

Hope springs eternal. I doubt it'll happen, the SUV name hasn't been around all that long, 2 decades at most, but the SUV design has been around twice as long, much longer than minivans have been around. *shrug* Who knows, though, what the next generation of drivers will want and pay for?

bourgeoisie > BaconSandwich is tasty.
09/30/2013 at 16:52

According to the info currently on dodge.com, they top out at 25mpg on the highway.

This is the problem I have with most anti-SUV/CUV arguments. They boil down to "well minivans can do everything SUV/CUV can do and then some, but get better gas mileage!" which is only marginally true.

If they're nearly the same in abilities (SUV/CUV vs. minivan), why is it so wrong to choose the one which is more aesthetically pleasing?

TheOnelectronic > Leadbull
09/30/2013 at 20:11

The kids growing up right now being driven around by moms in SUV's will hate them, just like the young parents today have bad memories of their parents' minivans, who had bad memories of THEIR parents' station wagons.

tetsu_no_usagi > Milky
09/30/2013 at 21:11

I can get on board with that. And I agree, I think CUVs are becoming the new standard "bigger than a car, smaller than a land yacht" people mover.

tetsu_no_usagi > bourgeoisie
09/30/2013 at 21:24

Yeah, minivans aren't great on the MPGs, only seem so when compared to other large vehicles (CUVs, trucks, and SUVs). What's sad is how big and beefy my '00 Envoy is compared to the Equinox I pictured above, but the Equinox is only getting 2 maybe 3 extra miles per gallon over my old, lumbering crate. But even a smaller minivan like the Odyssey (they're not in their own size class like the Mazda5 is, but they are pretty small compared to pretty much all of the other minivans sold here in the States) has so much more interior space over mid-sized SUVs like my Envoy. It just blows my mind.

tetsu_no_usagi > TheOnelectronic
09/30/2013 at 21:27

True, but I was weird - I loved the wagon and minivan we had when I was growing up, so much that when I get done paying off the hatchback (I need gas mileage for my daily commute, so a Fit is as close to a wagon as I could get), we're getting a minivan. I even loved the full-sized van we had before the minivan, which is about as big a vehicle that I'd ever get (before I decide to retire and snowbird down to Arizona in an RV, that is), but I doubt I'll do that as I doubt we'll have enough kids to need one of those.

BaconSandwich is tasty. > bourgeoisie
09/30/2013 at 21:31

Interesting. I guess the advertisements I've seen up here in Canukistan have been using UK gallons (not US gallons).

I guess some of the other people here have had valid arguments: the height of the vehicle to load things into/out of, the fold flat seats, extra height for carrying tall things, easier to get kids in/out of...

tetsu_no_usagi > Tyler's SVT Focus Hates Him
09/30/2013 at 21:32

That's one thing I can't understand - why haven't car manufacturers made the seats in CUV/SUVs removable like in minivans? I get that the floor pans in minivans are generally flatter, with less intrusions for big wheels and suspension travel, but that just means that SUVs, with all those intrusions, need removable seats even more to make them usable. Am I missing a model or models out there that have this?

bourgeoisie > tetsu_no_usagi
10/01/2013 at 01:12

My opinion's hardly scientific, but I'm not sure it's fair to compare interior space between a standard minivan and a midsize SUV like an Envoy. A Tahoe/Yukon or even an Envoy XL would be a better comparison.

Obviously, manufacturers have no interest in cannibalizing their booming SUV sales, but the size/weight of a minivan is begging for a small turbo diesel, which seems to be the most logical way of getting minivan MPGs where they logically should be (high 30s).

bourgeoisie > BaconSandwich is tasty.
10/01/2013 at 01:16

The best argument in favor of minivans that I can think of comes down to the sliding doors. Most CUVs have very long 2nd row doors to accommodate ingress/egress of the third row which makes very little sense, especially in increasingly crowded urban areas. Eliminating the possibility for kids opening their doors into neighboring parked cars is reason enough to buy a minivan vs. a CUV, let alone tight garages, etc.

tetsu_no_usagi > bourgeoisie
10/04/2013 at 16:41

I hadn't thought of going the route of Herr Diesel's sparkless engine, but a diesel makes far more sense for a minivan than many other applications out there.

bourgeoisie > tetsu_no_usagi
10/04/2013 at 18:49

Exactly, the relatively heavy weight of minivans (especially with features like stow n go seats and extra safety features) makes a great case for the torque of an oil burner. Not to mention 5-7 "festively plump" Americans getting up to highway speeds.